Ok, its the night of the dance, well i guess now morning, but when i started writing this it was still yesterday, but anyway i didnt go, i couldnt stand to go and know that he was there with his little girlfriend >> i would have died and ran out crying >> and i know i shouldnt move my life around for him, but believe me if i would have went, well i dont even want to think about what i would have done once i got home. cried mostly but who knows what else, so it should be a good thing that i didnt go but at the same time im sad

im mainly sad cause well he went with her, then to not know what they are doing after, and i dont know i just wish it was me that went not her stupid bitch, though i cant blame her cause well she didnt do anything wrong, its just the fact that she stares at me and knows what happened between me and rouse and i dont know i just wish the pain would go away, music can only do so much for the soul it cant heal my wounds, and i wish it could

sometimes i really wish i understood why some people have great lives and why others get stuck with lives that just push them to kill themselves and put themselves out of their misery. cause i know how that is to keep going everyday wanting to end it, crying myself to sleep, dreaming of a different life, dreaming of a guy you woud take me away on a white horse and kiss all my pain away too bad that is only in fairtales

it almost feels like all of my friends have it good but i think i have a few that are close to my situation, just not as bad or severe. and they all seem to be getting married, or even know that the ones they are with are going to be with them forever, or at least along time

i just wish i could change things and make them fit together the way i want them too i want to be happy i want to be loved i want everything it seems and no chance of ever getting it, only in my dreams. sometimes i wish i would get hurt really bad to see who really cares, i know that is a horrible thought, but well it would sift through a few liars and fakes.

I know people want me to get over this and just go about like nothing bothers me and wait for mr right, but see im not patient and the only thing this will do is fester and build til it makes me explode, and i dont want people to get the wrong idea and think that i want attention from this, far from it, it is just easier to deal with when i get it out there in the open so people will understand why i behave the way i do

i guess im just always going to hurt, and always going to cry cause i dont think this will be the last time this happens, and i so want to wait a year and a half, but that isnt even a sure thing i have a 33% chance of getting him back and i dont even know how long that would last, and if we got married how would i know that he wouldnt turn around and cheat and on me divorce me get rid of me and throw me away, i dont and not knowing i will always have the what ifs and possiblities of something always going wrong god why do guys have to be so fucking gay and why does this shit alway plague me when everything is going right for everyone else wat is the use in trying oh well being hurt and whatever helps you learn from your mistakes! well FUCK THAT! all it does it hurt and open more wounds by the minute! omg before i start seriously crying and ranting im just going to stop